Smarty, Stouty, Smarty, Stouty, Starty, Smouty, Sma...

I feel sick, dirty and ashamed. But mostly, I feel sick.

What do I do? How do I get myself out this situation? I'm sure most of you foresaw what was coming, and to an extent, I did too. What I had failed to predict, however, was the sheer emotional torture that I would end up leading myself into. I am completely torn - torn between comfort, care and devotion on the one hand and passion, desire and pure animal pleasure on the other.

I spent the 24th and 25th with Smarty and his family, the 26th with Stouty, and the last two days with Smarty. It was a terrifyingly close call on the morning of the 27th. Stouty left within minutes of Smarty coming to pick me up for our spa getaway (which I'd had planned for months). I was actually verging on sh*tting my pants.

There's no denying it, Smarty is madly in love with me and if he knew the truth about Stouty, he would be crushed. No, in fact, I wouldn't be far from the truth if I said his soul would be destroyed.
He bought me a breathtakingly beautiful ring for Christmas - two princess cut tanzanite stones, with diamond clusters lining a band of white gold. I could see in his eyes just how happy he was that I was spending Christmas with him and his family (who are, by the way, an adorable bunch). As his niece (7) and nephew (4) used me as a jungle gym, Smarty's cheeky grin told me he saw something similar for us in the future. He spent the whole night admiring me and telling his family stories of our youthful years (you may recall that Smarty was my first ever boyfriend back when I was a wee young lass). When he dropped me off back home, he repeated those three words that only the worthy should have the privilege of hearing: "I love you". This was when I (Lucifer) pretended that my (evil) ears didn't hear anything and carried on making a (diabolic) cup of (sinful) tea.

I can tell Stouty is also starting to really like me. Even though all the trains were down and the busses were running a limited service, he still insisted on coming to see me on Boxing Day. It took him three and a half hours to get from his family home in Essex to my place (normally a one-hour journey). We went to Canary Wharf, where we walked around for a couple of hours (apparently Flame had spotted us but for some reason decided not to come and say hello), then we spent the afternoon back at my place cuddled up on a tiny sofa watching movies. On a few occasions, the "where is this going/what are we doing?" conversation nearly cropped up, but I (Beelzebub) managed to (malevolently) steer the topic in a different direction. The way he looked at me from time to time told me his feelings for me are growing. The fact that I gave him amazing head that night probably helped (see below for my top three tips on how to give a great blowjob), and the Japanese curry I cooked for him no doubt nearly sent him over the edge (and possibly into love territory). When he left yesterday morning, I kind of missed him.

The spa retreat with Smarty was lovely, but the lies coming out of my mouth went as a constant reminder that I have become a she-devil.

I have now reached the point of no return and there is no redemption. Without a doubt, someone is going to get hurt. So what do I do? Do I go after Stouty, the first person I've had real feelings for in a really long time? Or do I concede to Smarty? I just don't want to hurt him.

If you think that my behaviour toward Smarty and Stouty is messed up, get a load of this. For some reason, I felt the need to text Baklava on Boxing Day (really, there is no point asking, I don't know why I did it). I just sent him a very casual message, which consisted of: "Hey Baklava, I hope you're well. Just thought I'd see how were you were doing."

Then came the flurry of texts:

Message number 1: Morning Morgan...I've submitted my dissertation...and just killing time for 10 days. and today we'll go some shopping though it's still freezing how about your study.

Message number 2: Marry xmas by the way :)

Message number 3: Morgan, have you taken my text?

Message number 4: I don't understand what you wanna do. You're texting long time later, then you're not responding to my text. You've done the same thing last time. 

Message number 5: If you're not gonna respond please don't wonder how I'm or wrapping up or not. 

So I (stupidly) wrote:

You really are too much. You're right, I shouldn't have bothered.

Then the second onslaught came:

Message number 6: Don't misunderstand me Morgan. You made me happy too much by sending text, but the thing annoying me is that you don't respond me then. I'm asking you something but you don't care.

Message number 7: Morgan, I'm so sorry I wouldn't want to say something to upset you. But I was almost getting used to the life without communicating you then you're texting and giving me hope. I like you too much, you know that. Why are you doing this to me? 

So then I wrote my final message of goodbye to Baklava:

I was just being polite. I didn't expect you to react so strangely. Let's just stop talking. You really need to move on.

And Baklava too wrote his last ever message (message number 8):

I wish you would continue to be polite by responding me. Anyway...take care...byebyeeee. 


Like I said, she-devil.



On a lighter note, here are my top three tips on giving a great blowjob:

1. Keep the tongue elongated when doing the up and down motion with your mouth (so that the tongue lies flat against the underside of the penis). 
2. Use your wrist to create a twisting motion with your hand (rather than just going straight up and down).
3. Say "ahh" or hum a tune now and then while pleasing him. The vibrations feel nice, apparently.

Do not treat the above as an exhaustive list. 1 to 3 will just get the "job" done as quickly as possible.