It's been a while since I've felt like this, and by "this", I mean self-destructive. When I like someone, I lose all my confidence. I've now taken to going to the gym more and eating less, and smoking has once again become part of my regular diet. Before work, I spend an hour on hair and make-up and another half an hour looking for the perfect outfit. When I get a text or e-mail from him, I spend at least 45 minutes trying to come up with a witty response. God forbid, if I made a spelling error, I'd be thinking about it for weeks.
Stouty was supposed to come over tomorrow (Sunday), and I was going to cook him a roast. I spent £20 on a rack of lamb, which I would have roasted with rosemary and garlic, and served with fluffy roast potatoes, a medley of mushrooms and onions cooked in a red wine sauce, asparagus, and stuffing balls. Dessert was going to be a lemon and lime cheesecake. When I got a call from him earlier today saying he wasn't going to risk the train journey, just in case he got stuck in the snow, my heart sunk. I've got a fridge full of food, and no Stouty to cook for.
I really like Stouty, but I can't shake the feeling that he might be using me. The first night he stayed over, he had big ideas on where to take me for our first date, which according to him, would take place the following week. The following week, he didn't take me out on a date, but he did ask if he could stay at my place after a mini-Christmas party at my company (as it "would be a mission to get back to Brighton"). We didn't talk to each other the whole night, but at least we spent the journey back home together (that was nice). This was also the night we had f*cking hot sex. It was disturbingly hot - as in Titanic car/steam/Rose's hand on the window kind of hot. He again mentioned taking me out on a date in the not-so-distant future, but no specific date was set. As for coming over tomorrow, well again, he just needed a place to crash. He was planning on a big night out with pals tonight (Saturday) in London, and he thought it would be convenient to stay in the area to get to work on Monday. I wasn't invited on this big night out.
Could he actually be using me (despite the hot sex)? Or perhaps it's my lack of confidence making me think this way? But then again, he could be using me. I think he might be using me.
Maybe he's lost respect for me because I let him have sex with me without a condom. Flame gave me a good grilling about this last night, so please, spare me your thoughts. I know I shouldn't have done this, considering my very recent battle with Chlamydia, but it's that lack of self-confidence thing I was telling you about earlier. I thought if I didn't let him penetrate me without a condom, he wouldn't like me anymore. Well it turns out he doesn't like me anyway. He's just using me - for condomless sex and a warm bed.
My next blog will most likely cover:
- Christmas with the Smarties.
- How I'm avoiding sex with Smarty.
- Getting a ring from Smarty for Christmas.
- How I'm avoiding sex with Smarty.
- My intensified obsession over Stouty.
