I spent the last 48 hours totally stoned, yes, baked, spaced out, high as a kite. We landed in Amsterdam at 10 am on Saturday and by 11 am, I was already puking up bile (having had nothing but beer the whole morning). On the trip was me, three guys from university and my new boyfriend, Stouty. That's right, Stouty and I are now officially together - a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend, two peas in a pod. Now, if I had decided to write this entry 24 hours ago, I would have told you how amazing Stouty is, how perfect I think we are together, and how I think I might be falling in love with him (and I assure you, the announcement would have had more oomph), but 24 hours ago, something truly bizarre happened and this has sent my whole world spinning on its head.
Exactly 24 hours ago, just as Stouty and I were walking out of a restaurant in the red light district in Amsterdam, I spot two very familiar faces. They were no more than 2 meters from the restaurant, walking towards us. Of course, the three of us were in complete shock to see each other. After all, it's been nearly two years and no proper goodbyes were ever said. Of all the cities in the world, of all the people to bump into, how could it be that I bump into M's sister and her husband?
The timing couldn't have been more perfect. If I had stayed for that second cup of coffee, we wouldn't have seen them. If Stouty had asked for the bill any later, they would have walked right past the restaurant. If we had chosen a different place to eat down one of the small alleys, we never would have crossed paths. But somehow, karma made everything happen the way it happened. It was as if karma orchestrated the whole thing.
Having spent the entire weekend dosed up on ganja, I'm probably still feeling the analytical effects of the good stuff, but I can't help but think that there is some sort of meaning behind the freak encounter with M's sister. I am, however, having a hard time trying to conjure up what that meaning is. I very much doubt that there is a force trying to bring me and M back together. He's moved on, and so have I (I really have). But seeing M's sister and recalling the first few months of my relationship with M has made me question my relationship with Stouty a little.
With M, I knew it was love right away. He made me feel something I never knew was possible. For him, I was willing to do anything, and in reality, I did. I turned down a training contract/pupillage (articling) offer back in Canada five years ago and tried to make for myself a living here in London instead. I left friends and family behind, called off an engagement, and fought for four years to get a decent job related to my field, all because I was struck with the most startling kind of love. Things with Stouty aren't quite the same. Yes, he's all of those things I've been looking for since M and I broke up and I couldn’t be happier with him (I am, after all, falling in love with him), but when he suggested moving to Canada with me in August, my first reaction wasn't glee. No, instead, I was (and still am) reluctant to the idea. I think when I move to Canada, I need to make a fresh start, even if it means leaving love behind. Love turned its back on me once, so why not turn my back on love?
Oh god, I think I'm still high.
To soften the mood a little, let me update you on our good friend Baklava. He finally moved back to Turkey yesterday. He sent me a few text messages over the last couple of weeks:
B: Hey Morgan, first I wish you happy new year and good luck for your exams I don't know when they're. They must be these days. I have been in Amsterdam for 3 days.
B: I remembered you too many times while getting around and I've seen you in my dream tonight, hope you're well. Take too much care of yourself.
B: Hey Morgan. I'm going back to Turkey on Sunday. I just wanted to say that I'm really glad to know you. Thank you very much for everything. Take good care of yourself. Goodbye.xx
M: Hey Baklava, sorry, had my last exam today so I've been busy. I wish you the best of luck back home! Safe travels and enjoy home life again :)
B: Oow, your exams're over. You got rid of them. Freedom. you swotted to much, now you deserved much more wine. :) Anyway, thank u very much for your friendship. Byebyee.
Farewell Baklava, farewell.
As for Smarty, well, I haven't spoken to him in three weeks. He called me crying, telling me not to move back to Canada because he was in love with me. When I said no, he said he didn't want to speak to me again. I wonder if he wants his ring back?
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI do believe that everything happens for a reason and that when you don't get the message the first time, the universe keeps sending it to you until you hit a bus, or in this case, M's sister. But maybe the meaning behind the freak encounter is not to drag you back into your past, but to remind you that you need to let go of it to move on. If you don't, it'll keep coming back to hit you.
So here you are, wallowing in the past, and stopping the present from happening because you're too worried about the future. But let's talk about the present for a minute. Stouty's showing that he's committed to you in a big way; you're in love with him, or getting there; and you two are totally compatible. The word "perfect" comes to mind. Scary, isn't it?
And if you are going to compare, compare this: M made you give up your dreams, Smarty's asking you to do the same, but Stouty wants to join you on the ride - doggy-style (i.e. he's got your back).
Now I'm not saying you don't need to tread with caution or that he's the perfect man. But some amount of letting go is certainly in order.
Flame
PS. And can you please shut the f*ck up about this leaving-for-Canada business. It's extremely depressing.